Dear Crazy Mind Of Mine, I Love You
I won’t lie. I used to hate you for disrupting my peace and for turning my world upside down without my permission. I do not know why you knocked on my door and probably never will. Dear crazy mind of mine, why did you have to choose me? You made my life bleak and colorless and made happiness a distant fantasy that was out of grasp. You would suffocate me with torturous thoughts and paralyzing anxiety, rendering me helpless and starving for escape. I hated you with everything I had. I wanted you to leave me alone and spare me from your madness, yet you never listened to my desperate cries for help. I was sick and tired of being ruled by an unforgiving leach that sucked everything out of me, but you didn’t care to answer my prayers. You kept me hiding away in the darkness, with no hope of finding the light. I would wake up one morning with a sliver of tranquility but it wasn’t long before you rushed in and destroyed my momentary contact with normalcy. Was it that hard for you to give me a break? Oh how much I wished to return you to where you came from and gain hold of a stable mind instead! One that didn’t get off on basking me in confusion and endless misery.
From my fuming outbursts to my deadening days of hiding under the covers, you served me up a buffet of constant torment. I resorted to mind-numbing, soul-sucking medications and every form of therapy in the book. And prayed to you for an ounce of solace, hoping I could wipe away my karmic footprint and rid myself of your dominating hold. But, to no avail. Sleep was one of the only ways I could get away from your abuse and that is precisely why I resorted to it ever so often. For the first twenty-something years of my existence, you were all I knew. I was going through the motions of living and breathing just like those around me, yet my insides were burning with agony. I had no control over your episodes of impulsivity and uncontrollable rage or even your subtler moments of melancholy. I lost myself to you and lost my power along the way. I didn’t even realize that I was a beautiful, loving being deserving of a stable life. In fact, it wasn’t my fault that you were so strong and so unforgiving, but I hated myself for having a crazy mind like you. Underneath your heavy reign over me, I separated myself from you and made you my arch nemesis. And for that, I am sorry. The restlessness and unceasing chaos that encompassed my reality was impossible to withstand. I had given up on ever making peace with you and perhaps even loving you, simply because you allowed me to drown in sorrow for far longer than you should have. Yet, the more I fought against you and treated you like the enemy, the harder it was to survive.
Then, as if struck by lightning, I woke up and realized my mistake. If I was going to make it and eventually calm you down, I would need to learn to love you just as you were. I had to love your craziness and your aggression alike, and even your instances of overpowering despondency. It was not easy to love you because I didn’t feel any love in return, but I kept holding on and caressing you nonetheless. Before long, once I let go and surrendered to what you had in store for me, you and I joined the same team and worked together to achieve small slivers of solitude and harmony. I stopped resisting you and fearing for what lay ahead but instead welcomed your presence with open arms. You weren’t evil after all, but simply hurting and in need of affection and nonjudgment. And that is exactly what I did, equipping myself with the tools to manage your madness, while loving you in the process. You had a purpose and were making me stronger, despite all of the obstacles you continued to throw my way. You didn’t hate me, but you actually needed me more than I could have ever imagined. But, I was too blind and busy hating you to realize that. If I ever aspired to love myself unabashedly and grow beyond your limitations, it would require that I find ways of seeing the good in you and accepting you for your flaws and your positive traits alike. Today, I will not say that you have let me off the hook or completely attained stability, but you are my good old crazy, impassioned mind and being that you are a part of me, I love you.
Written by Shirin Karimi Tararani
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